the things we say to strangers

i found myself going on tonight, wildly, with very little encouragement
from the start about my trip.
saying things to this person i have known for five minutes,
things i have never told anyone. even myself.
it seems to all make sense as it departs from my mouth.
i am forming my thoughts in my mouth and
they are just taking this winded crazed flight.
but its deeper than that, they are imprinted somewhere on my heart.
now is just the time to read these maps.
i don't even think about these words or conceive them,
they do the work themselves. they are so raw,
they don't even have the moment to become contrived and dishonest.
waving my hands in the air and pushing down my bangs.
like bangs i had when i was six and my mother would take me
to get a balloon and a braid.
i wanted to get bangs to hide behind. i thought i needed
a shield for my return to new york.
because the last five months had been full of exposure.
i can't believe i hopped around like i did.
that i let the wind carry me.
that i was able to be effortless.
and full of lightness.
i used to be shy.

encouragement came from my listener.
it felt good to go on. i guess i haven't been able to since i have returned.
i felt so humbled when she called me an inspiration.
it just was what i was suppose to do and like D told me,
'you allowed yourself to move and be moved by life'
but aren't we all?
i was just paying attention and following the path placed in front of me.
i didn't think i had any other choice.

i wanted to be terrified.
that seems so strange to admit.
i wanted to see what i could accomplish alone.
i wanted to be uncomfortable and see what i was made of.

i told my listener, that i didn't know if i could travel with other people now.
that i dream of going to egypt. to india. to iran.
that i am planning a new trip already.
about the exact moment when i decided i had to leave new york.

i was wooing them in now.
my excitement was like a disease.
i wished for them to go and get on the plane.
what has gotten into me?
i felt like i was on the ceiling, watching a video of myself
enticing everyone to act with utter wanderlust.

today, i was thinking about the women i worked with in armenia.
how i cried when i was leaving them. how they moved me.
and how i had no idea that i moved them until the moment i was leaving.